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Self Esteem - Seeing the Choices

by Carolyn Barker

Each and every day we're bombarded with a myriad of events causing us to react in some way. We think, feel and do things in response to these, but what we think, feel and do depends very much on the beliefs and perceptions we hold about ourselves. Our concept of who we are as a person is shaped by the personality we are born with, the family environment in which we grew up and our evaluation of how well we coped with life's ups and downs. Someone who has a positive belief in themselves ( a healthy self esteem) will view their life with optimism and feel confident in their ability to deal with most things. It enables them to bounce back from a bad situation because they don't take failures or criticism personally. On the other hand, people with low self esteem rely on the validation of others and success in their endeavors for their self worth. Because their self esteem hangs so precariously on forces outside themselves, they can very quickly spiral downward into despair when things don't work out as they had hoped. Even when things go well, happiness can be quickly swept aside and replaced with doubt following even the most light hearted of criticisms.

People with healthy self esteem don't take things personally. They can stand back from a situation and assess it objectively. For example : Suzy and Robyn work together for a boss who has a reputation for being very demanding and abrupt. One day he came storming from his office accusing the women of not working fast enough to meet his 4.00 pm deadline. For the next five minutes he loudly accused them of being lazy and having a poor work ethic. In one last fit of anger he threatened to sack both of them if the job was not completed on schedule.

By the time he marched back to his office Suzy was almost in tears. She was totally shattered by the tirade and had taken every single accusation to heart. "Maybe he's right. Maybe I don't have what it takes", she thought. But when Suzy turned to her co worker, she was surprised to notice that rather than being upset, Robyn was fuming with rage. "How dare he speak to us like that", she fumed. "He knew this was a three person job when he took it on. As far as I'm concerned he should never have agreed to the deadline in the first place,"

Suddenly Suzy was able to put everything into perspective, A moment ago she had been ready to do the boss a favour and quit. Now she was feeling just as indignant as Robyn. Having low self esteem can feel like being on an emotional roller coaster because how we feel about our self is dependant on outside influences. If something we perceive as bad occurs we can feel anxious, sad or depressed.

In one of our workshops we asked participants to write a paragraph describing themselves. Those who volunteered were asked to read it to the group Most of the answers came back something like, "I'm a mother of three children and I work for a law firm", "I am a member of the local tennis club", "I am a carpenter", I work as a sales assistant ", "I coach the local football team". This is what they do. If a person was to talk about who they are, they would say something along the lines of..." I think I am quite creative, thoughtful, sensitive and I'm quite passionate about saving the environment. Oh and I also work in IT." This person sees what they do as something separate to who they are. How they feel about themselves. Their self esteem is not based on the role they play.

Most people identify themselves so closely with their job and other roles but what if they lose their job, or the children leave home, or they are replaced as coach of the football club or their relationship breaks down. Who will they be then ? The problem arises when whatever we have attached our self esteem to, is taken away. Losing a source or sources from which we derive our self esteem can feel like having the rug pulled out from under us. It throws us back into an emptiness which is not only frightening, it can lead to anxiety unless one of two things happen

	We quickly find something else to anchor our self esteem to
	We acknowledge our low self esteem and explore the reasons behind it

The beliefs we hold about ourselves - whether we think we are good, bad, strong, weak, smart or dumb, worthy or unworthy - are the filter through which everything passes. They determine the choices we make in every area of our life and they colour our perceptions. If we don't like ourselves very much, we are more likely to allow ourselves to be manipulated, more likely to put up with being treated badly in any kind of relationship and less likely to believe we have the right to expect anything better.

Most of the time we go through life in quite an 'unconscious' way. By this I mean we tend to see life as a series of events which just happen. We aren't really aware that most of what happens occurs as a result of the choices we make and those choices will be based on our self esteem. I'm reminded of a friend who often complained of having bad luck. Her life seemed to be in constant disarray as she bounced from one unfortunate incident to the next. One day we met for coffee and she told me about her recent trip to visit her sister who lives in a rural area. "You will never believe it", she said. "The whole trip was a disaster. First I was booked for speeding, then I got a puncture and found my spare was flat. By the time I got to my sister's place it was dark and no one was home. "

"Wasn't she expecting you, " I asked. "Well no, " she said sheepishly, "I wanted to surprise her. It is just not fair," she moaned in response to my silence. "I try and do something nice for someone and it all blows up in my face. Nothing ever goes right for me!" Driving home I thought about my friend's bad luck and how it all related back to the choices she had made. No one made her speed and most people check their spare tyre before going on a long trip. To drive all that way without even being sure her sister would be home was taking quite a chance.

What I found especially interesting was that my friend apparently had no idea that she had sabotaged the journey right from the very beginning. The more I wondered why she would do this, the more her final statement came back to me. "Nothing ever goes right for me" she had said. It was very clear this was a powerful belief she held about herself. She was so convinced of the truthfulness of this statement that she unconsciously sabotaged herself in order to have the belief continuously re-affirmed.

So what is the solution for my friend and people like her ? It goes back to my first point about people living a largely 'unconscious' life. We need to stop bemoaning the things which happen to us and start to take responsibility for ourselves. I'm not talking about events which are beyond our control, rather events where we do have control and the outcome is dependant on our own choices.

What underlies the choices we make ? What are the beliefs we hold about ourselves and where do they come from ? It is rarely as simple as just changing behaviours; we need to go back to the question why we behave as we do and the motivation behind that behaviour. This way we can begin to identify the issues which impact on our self esteem and we can then begin to make the changes we need to.

Developing mindfulness skills is the practice of developing awareness of our thoughts and behaviours. Looking at and questioning our belief system allows us to address the core issues which motivates us and which can prevent us from becoming all that we could be.

Reprinted with the permission of the Panic Anxiety Disorder Association Inc, Newsletter, April 2001

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